I've identified the single most damaging thing that's been said to me during my adult life. It was a kind of fascinating moment of clarity that led me there, and even though I've identified the moment and the sentiment behind it (it was actually kind of a good thing I was told this because it saved me from getting too invested in a doomed situation), the knowledge of it doesn't help me in the least. Simply put, there's nothing for it.
What was that statement? A little bit of background first. There was a girl - isn't that how all of these stories start? - she was more or less the most magnificent woman I came into contact with at that time in my life. She was - still is - stunning, but that's simply the least of a long list of qualities topped by 'really fucking smart,' and 'seemed not to know just how amazing she is,' which is amazing, because that almost never is among the list of qualities of great people. Well, as is natural to a man of, well, just about any age, I lusted after her until it was said to me "Girls like her don't marry guys like you." After that, I just kind of faded into the background. It seemed my natural place in her life.
To his credit, he was right. As of now, she is married to a great guy, and - I hope - happy.
Girls like her don't marry guys like you. Even now, it kind of stings to read that statement. It's not often that I reflect on that, but hey, I'm a little drunk, and there has never been a better mood to reflect on your life than drunk.
Something I've learned about people is that we're extremely resilient. Over the years since I was told that, what started out as kind of a seemingly horrible, mean thing to say has become a form of armor for me. Every time I am rejected in any way, I can comfort myself by the fact that I was simply chasing after the wrong kind of woman. Eh, girls like her don't date guys like me. It ain't a thing. It's great.
Except that it isn't. After a little while of believing that I'm left wondering 'who, then? What kind of girl Does date guys like me? What kind of person Does want to wake up next to me? To reach out for me and touch me in the middle of the night, just for the comfort of knowing that I'm there? Fuck, who?'
You wanna know what the good part of being drunk and alone is? Sobriety comes back, and I'm able to put all these thoughts where they belong: buried deep, where nobody can find them. :)
I'm gonna go to bed and sober up. Thanks for listening.