I'm starting to think that the past few weeks have fucked me up, emotionally. It occurs to me that I smile and laugh and joke like I always have, I'm still good at my job, and by and large I am able to convince everyone around me - myself included - that I'm doing okay.
Then, sometimes I'll stop to think, sometimes at the strangest of times. Last night, I was playing Rock Band with Chris, Becca, Haleigh, and some other of my friends, when, in the middle of the song, I started to remember, to think about the rest of my life, and how it wouldn't involve her... or her kids. A few days ago I was spending some time in a coffee shop visiting with a friend when a woman and her toddler walked in. The toddler's face lit up with a beautiful smile when he saw a little rottweiler puppy, and proceeded at once to play with him. I had to close my eyes and turn away, I couldn't handle the sight of it without breaking down into tears.
I am not taking pleasure in things I once enjoyed immensely. I'm reading The Alloy of Law, by Brandon Sanderson, a book I've been looking forward to reading since it was released in 2011, but I'm having trouble getting into it. When I sit down to write, a voice asks what the fuck I'm doing it for. That's why Chef has come late, or not at all. I'll get back to it, I swear, I hope you'll bear with me. I am not making excuses to you all, I just wanted to let you know where I'm at.
I'm hurting. I am surrounded by my closest friends, but I feel alone.
Not much of a secret, but I had to tell someone. Thank you for listening.